Friday, 21 July 2017

Pashchatap: A Day of Self Repentance



Being a girl grown up by a single mother I had cemented my view on this male dominated society. For me men were the reason of our all misery. Every time news flashed about an eve teasing or rape blood boiled through my veins, sometime I felt like take the avatar of goddess Kali holding a sword slicing the genital of every single men of the planet. My morals never allowed my heart to fall for someone because for me all of them were same, just uses us and through into a trace bin like an empty cane. Like someone did with my mom and left her alone putting me inside her to suffer for the rest of the life.
But everything was going to change, like the tidal wave was going to clean the beach of thought.
Still I remember, that was the Monday morning and nothing was going well with me. Geiger of my apartment was not working, maid didn’t cleaned the utensils of previous night and the worst part! I was on my period. Still I had to capture the honorary ceremony organised by a NGO for a man who saved 2 girls from getting raped and admitted in the ICU in the process.
With anger and irritation in my head I put my feet out but one more trouble didn’t end there, my car was broke. Kicking the tyre and scolding the car I moved my leg towards the bus stop, the most hated place for me. I never liked to travel in the city bus not for the feeling of sharing the space with unknown people but for the behavior of the fifth bastards. Inside the bus they think they can do anything in the name of moment of inertia. Touching our skin putting their hand anywhere they want.
And the same thing happened on that day, when I was standing with the fully packed crowd helping my body to stand straight inside the bus. With every break someone must through his body over me and with every passing second my control over my anger was breaking. At last when the bus took a turn a man sitting by my side came over me and the thermometer of my anger broke putting the signature of my palm hand on his face. He was clue less, unable to understand what just happened. The whole crowd turned towards him like they wanted an explanation.


” I was just getting up from my seat to allow you to sit and the same time bus took the turn and I fall.” He said. But I was not ready to accept his confection how much he tried to say he didn’t did that with intention. Scolding him like a rapist I asked the bus to stop and get down.
Cursing the day I reached the venue late, all the crew member were there waiting for my way. When they asked why I became delay I narrated the whole incident giving a dirty look to the male crew. They knew my behavior so they didn’t say anything but I could feel the hesitation inside them to work with me.
As the function started I put the mike and gave the live feed to my audience. The chief guest had arrived and the inauguration happened and after a skit perform by school children on women empowerment the speeches began. One by one the guest stood and spoke but when one of the survivor narrated the incident of that night tear came out of my eyes. The men I met in the bus felt me like the culprit who tried to abuse them.
Standing at the distance nothing was visible to my eyes, only the voice were reaching to my ear. The gentlemen who saved those girl requested everyone to respect other women like we do to our own family members. Listening to his word I wanted to meet him but at the last moment of the function rain poured heavily and we had to rush back to our van.
Returning home I took a shower and sat before the TV warping my hand around the hot tea. Opening the news I was waiting for my news to repeat so I could the face of the guy. When the news started I looked into the screen in curiosity and suddenly the face came before me. My eyes became wide, I was not believing what I just saw and the cup slipped from my shaking hand.


I sat back holding my head. I thought if what I was seeing is true than I had committed a colossal mistake. He was the same guy I slapped in the morning. How much I tried to convince myself of being correct logic pushed me back. How can I be right, the guy saved two unknown girls from being rapped putting his life in danger, would his moral allow him to tease a girl in the bus while going to a function where he would meet the same girls again. Could he be able to take the respect if he had intentionally fall over her in the bus?
Ebb of question where banging in my head. I was not able to think for an excuse for my did. Whom I thought as a devil was a real life angel a hero for thousands. Dialing my office number I asked the editor about the details on the guy, taking few minutes he gave the information he had.
He was not a guy from our city, an NRI came to visit India when all that happened. To remove my guilt I decided to go to is hotel and say sorry for my behavior and slept in that thought. Next morning when I reached his hotel the receptionist informed he had left for the airport few ours ago. But I was late there also, till I reached there his flight had took up.


Sitting in the airport I remembered what he had said and smiled. His face I would never be able to forget in my entire life. He made me realize I was not correct every time. And I went back to work keeping the guild inside my heart pushing myself to being a better person with every passing day.

  

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