Pashchatap: A Day of Self Repentance

Being a girl grown up by a single mother I had cemented my view on this male dominated society. For me men were the reason of our all misery. Every time news flashed about an eve teasing or rape blood boiled through my veins, sometime I felt like take the avatar of goddess Kali holding a sword slicing the genital of every single men of the planet. My morals never allowed my heart to fall for someone because for me all of them were same, just uses us and through into a trace bin like an empty cane. Like someone did with my mom and left her alone putting me inside her to suffer for the rest of the life.

But everything was going to change, like the tidal wave was going to clean the beach of thought.

Still I remember, that was the Monday morning and nothing was going well with me. Geiger of my apartment was not working, maid didn’t cleaned the utensils of previous night and the worst part! I was on my period. Still I had to capture the honorary ceremony organised by a NGO for a man who saved 2 girls from getting raped and admitted in the ICU in the process.

With anger and irritation in my head I put my feet out but one more trouble didn’t end there, my car was broke. Kicking the tyre and scolding the car I moved my leg towards the bus stop, the most hated place for me. I never liked to travel in the city bus not for the feeling of sharing the space with unknown people but for the behavior of the fifth bastards. Inside the bus they think they can do anything in the name of moment of inertia. Touching our skin putting their hand anywhere they want.

And the same thing happened on that day, when I was standing with the fully packed crowd helping my body to stand straight inside the bus. With every break someone must through his body over me and with every passing second my control over my anger was breaking. At last when the bus took a turn a man sitting by my side came over me and the thermometer of my anger broke putting the signature of my palm hand on his face. He was clue less, unable to understand what just happened. The whole crowd turned towards him like they wanted an explanation.

” I was just getting up from my seat to allow you to sit and the same time bus took the turn and I fall.” He said. But I was not ready to accept his confection how much he tried to say he didn’t did that with intention. Scolding him like a rapist I asked the bus to stop and get down.

Cursing the day I reached the venue late, all the crew member were there waiting for my way. When they asked why I became delay I narrated the whole incident giving a dirty look to the male crew. They knew my behavior so they didn’t say anything but I could feel the hesitation inside them to work with me.

As the function started I put the mike and gave the live feed to my audience. The chief guest had arrived and the inauguration happened and after a skit perform by school children on women empowerment the speeches began. One by one the guest stood and spoke but when one of the survivor narrated the incident of that night tear came out of my eyes. The men I met in the bus felt me like the culprit who tried to abuse them.

Standing at the distance nothing was visible to my eyes, only the voice were reaching to my ear. The gentlemen who saved those girl requested everyone to respect other women like we do to our own family members. Listening to his word I wanted to meet him but at the last moment of the function rain poured heavily and we had to rush back to our van.

Returning home I took a shower and sat before the TV warping my hand around the hot tea. Opening the news I was waiting for my news to repeat so I could the face of the guy. When the news started I looked into the screen in curiosity and suddenly the face came before me. My eyes became wide, I was not believing what I just saw and the cup slipped from my shaking hand.

I sat back holding my head. I thought if what I was seeing is true than I had committed a colossal mistake. He was the same guy I slapped in the morning. How much I tried to convince myself of being correct logic pushed me back. How can I be right, the guy saved two unknown girls from being rapped putting his life in danger, would his moral allow him to tease a girl in the bus while going to a function where he would meet the same girls again. Could he be able to take the respect if he had intentionally fall over her in the bus?

Ebb of question where banging in my head. I was not able to think for an excuse for my did. Whom I thought as a devil was a real life angel a hero for thousands. Dialing my office number I asked the editor about the details on the guy, taking few minutes he gave the information he had.

He was not a guy from our city, an NRI came to visit India when all that happened. To remove my guilt I decided to go to is hotel and say sorry for my behavior and slept in that thought. Next morning when I reached his hotel the receptionist informed he had left for the airport few ours ago. But I was late there also, till I reached there his flight had took up.

Sitting in the airport I remembered what he had said and smiled. His face I would never be able to forget in my entire life. He made me realize I was not correct every time. And I went back to work keeping the guild inside my heart pushing myself to being a better person with every passing day.

  

Abhisarika: Love@GB Road

Falling In love was never in my plan. Until one day I just realized that I love her too much. Love does not appear with any warning signs. You fall into it as if pushed from a high diving board. No time to think about what’s happening. It’s inevitable. An event you can’t control. A crazy, heart-stopping, roller-coaster ride that just has to take its course.

                                                                                                                                       

                                                                                                                                       (Unknown)

For me love was just to have someone by my side to introduce as my girlfriend before others. Taking her for shopping and dates, making out in hostel room and fighting over her friendship with other boys.

No desire of getting married I was in a relationship with her like many others in our class. She was a beautiful girl and the only daughter of a rich father, getting everything she wanted in a pinch of finger. Our life was going well till the date when one of my friend informed me that she was in a pub with another guy. Anger climbed to my brain not because of possessiveness but as my prestige was in stack. Igniting the bullet I drove towards the pub. Blood was running hot making my veins visible through pumped body. The bouncers standing near the door were looking minion before my figure. My friend knew I was going to create a mess but still directed his finger to a corner where she was kissing with a guy on a sofa.

In one hand I separate her from the guy and pushed back making her fall hard on the floor. And started stamping punches on the guy’s face. He was not much strong to resist my steroid addicted body and in few minutes throwing his senseless body on the sofa I turned to my girl. She was trembling with fear and her face had already become pale. I saw blood coming from her forehead due to the fall but that didn’t stopped the anger burning inside me. I kept slapping her till blood come out from her mouth and mark of my finger imprinted hard on her face. She kept asking for excuse but I didn’t stopped. When my ego got satisfied I pulled her out of the pub while whole crowd kept looking with no one had the guts to stop me. The manager asked the bouncers not to come on my way because he already knew my temper and sometimes took favor from me.

Making her sit on the bike I took her to my room and threw her on the floor. She was crying appealing for mercy but I pulled out my belt and kept thrashing her until her dress started tear. She was half out of her sense unable to speak a single word and when I saw her bosoms reveling out of the tattered dress I removed her cloth making her white skin visible.

She was trying to hide her womanliness but spreading her leg I started getting inside her making her moan in the pain. I had turned into a true evil raping the girl with force whom once I was calling my love. For the whole night under the influence of drugs and alcohol I kept violating her body till my exhausted body fell on the ground with no strength to stand.

Next morning my sleep broke with a knock on my door. When I opened my eyes she was not there. I opened the gate asking who was it but someone pulled me out with my collar just get a punch on his belly. I was about to give one more but stopped seeing the uniform. Three constable drag me inside the jeep and took me to the polish station. The same guy from the bar last night was sitting with the inspector with his face covered in bandage. When he turned to me I showed him a middle finger.

The polish charged me hard with their sticks for two days till my friends arranged for my bail. Getting out I slept inside my room without talking with anyone. After a week when the marks got lighter I went to collage to meet her and for a patch up like I did every time after a fight. But that time I had crossed my limit. I didn’t knew that she was admitted to hospital for injuries on her body of that night. When I approached her she said,” never ever show your face to me otherwise it will not take me a second to put a rape and attempt to murder charge on you.”

I didn’t love her from truly but still her ward pierced in to my heart. In anger I turned my bike in the direction of GB road the infamous red light area of Delhi. For me to forget her was I just to sleep with someone else.

Entering into a house I put a bundle of thousand in the hand of the pimp and asked her for the best girl. She asked me to follow and took me to a small room. Pointing to the door she said,” jao babu, nayi nayi jabani me ladki ayihe. Jitna maje lena he lelo (the girl has just reached her puberty enjoy as much as you can).”

In the dim light of the room I saw the face of a girl in the mirror barely at her sixteen. Seeing me inside horror spread over her face but removing her blouse and pulling up the sari she lied on the bed. When I climbed over her and started getting inside she closed her eyes and tears dropped from her eyes in pain. After finishing I put a hundred rupees note between her breast and left.

After few days I returned again asking for her. This time I was drunk and banging her like a pillow and turning her tears in to cry in a few minutes I over her. When my eyes open I was laying on her bed while she was sprinkling water over my face. For a moment I felt shame on me but then asked her,” what happened to me?”

She said,” you got unconscious after you have finished.so I put you on my bed and started sprinkling water to bring you to sense.”

I saw an unknown darkness covering her face a sadness that not allowing the rosy lips to smile. Giving her a 500 rupees note I left. For next few night I was not able to sleep. Whenever I tried to close my eyes her sad face floated crying for help. 

To get my answer I went to her but when she started removing her blouse I asked her to stop and sit near me.

She was confused by my behaviour. No one who ever came to her had ever asked that type of question. Being a prostitute she knew how to sell her body but not wards. She never felt shy while taking someone inside her body but sitting with a stranger and talking was the hardest thing she had ever done.

To make her comfortable I asked,” what’s your name?”

After a small silence she opened her mouth,” my name was Abhisarika before I came here.”

I asked,” what they call you here?”

She said,” We don’t have names here. They call us by our room numbers.”

My curiosity was increasing. I asked,” can you tell me how you came here? Where are your parents? Did they never tried to find you?”

Listening to my question tear rolled from her eyes. After a long pause she started narrating her story,”

It was 2015 when I promoted to my class 10^th. My parents were working hard to give me a good education. We were happy together but that was not bearable by god and in the earth quack when I went outside to attain the call of nature the roof fell over them. My parents my house were gone. I cried for three days without food and water waiting for the rescue team to come and bring their body out.

After their funeral I had no place to hide my head or a plate to eat. At that time one of my relative uncle asked me to come with him to Delhi where he promised to put in an orphans where I could get food and shelter. But he lied everything. After staying at a hotel and having dinner I never saw him again. When my eyes open I was here. The madam told me, I was sold to her and I had to stay here for the rest of my life earing for her by selling my body. I had tried to get away from here but with no luck. They beat and raped me several times until I broke up. Remembering the horror I can’t even imagine of put a step outside this room. For me this is my prison where I had to sleep with anyone who ever comes in. My body is not mine it’s a doll of the market which anyone can play with by paying the amount.”

Taking a deep breath she wiped tear from her face. I was not able to believe her story. Such horror could happen with a small girl was out of my imagination. My eyes became wet and about to break the dam of my eye lashes when madam knocked saying,” Viagra lia he kya! Itna time kya laga raheho nikal ne me (Are you on Viagra! Why it’s taking so long).”

Giving the girl a five hundred note I was about to leave when she said,” I can’t take this money, you have done nothing with me.”

I replied back,” who said? I talked to you.” And left.

Coming back home I thought about her all night. How she would be feeling being chained inside the dark room sleeping with ever other guy who came there. With no desire of seeing the outside world again how she would be spending her days.

Form the next day I kept going there sitting with her for hours talking about different things. Trying to make her laugh. With time we became close and she started sharing her pain with me about how drunken bastards sometime bite her bosoms and pinch cigarettes on her stomach. How an angry men once beat her and banged her head on the wall making her bleed but after taking pain killer she had to attain other costumers all the day. Her stories some time brought tears in my eyes which she wiped with her hand saying that her destiny was never going to change and I didn’t need to feel bad about her.

Spending time with her was doing a chemical change inside my brain and heart. I was trying to become a better person, asking excuse for my mistake and feeling restless when I was not able to talk to her. Her feelings had slowly started engulfing my heart writing her name in every corner.

One day I brought a small mobile from a shop while going to her and gave asking to keep with her. She was scared because if her madam would know she would be beaten. But when I convinced nothing would happen she hide that inside her trunk. That day I taught her how to use that and saved my number for her to call me.

Coming back to my room I waited for her call to come but the fear that she would get beaten if caught was running in my mind too. I didn’t sleep in night looking at my mobile burning one after another smoke. And at last at 2.30am my phone rang and her sweet voice floated into my ear from the receiver. We talked till 5.00am when a customer knocked her door. She hung up in a sad voice thinking of the next few minutes with an unknown man.

After talking over phone for months one day I asked her,” Do you want to see the real Delhi?”

She said in a hopeless voice,” Yes, but it’s not possible. Madam will not agree.”

I said,” you don’t worry I will take care of that.” And she nodded.

The next day I went to her Madam and told her we had a party and we need a girl at our room. She was not ready but when I put 10000 hard cash on her hand she smiled and asked to choose the girl. I told her the room number and informed her the time to get her ready.

In the evening I came to pick her. Madam brought her instructing to make everyone happy so she could get more customer. Her head was down, she was not looking at me till she sat on my bike and we left the place behind.

I took her to a parlour for a makeover. While she kept looking around the big mirrors I asked the girl in the parlour to give their best treatments to her and after 2 hours she was looking like a glamour queen. Looking herself in the mirror she was touched her face to feel. Than we went to the mall for the purchase of dress. She got confused seeing the huge collation of dress and when I asked to choose what she want she said she had no money to pay. Looking at her eye I told her not to worry about the cost and just to take what she wanted. After finishing her shopping I drove her around the city showing her all the places.

After finishing dinner at a restaurant I drove her to my room where we sat silently for few minutes.

She said,” it is the best day of my life. I have never enjoyed this much. Even I had lost all my hopes of coming out of the den but you came like an angel and fulfilled my wish.” And she kissed on my lips. She started unzipping her dress saying,” this is all I can give you.”

Tear came out from my eyes and closing her zip I hugged her. I said,” I want you for ever to be mine. I don’t want anyone ever touch you again. I don’t want your soul to die each day because I love you. I want to see your smiling face every day. I want to see you woke me up every morning with your sweet voice.”

She kept looking at my face while I was speaking and broke up into tears when I finished.

She said,” This can’t happen. We both are from different part of the society and the society you came from is never going to accept me. You deserve someone better than me. An untouched girl not a whore like me who sleeps with everyone for money.”

I replied,” it’s not your fault that someone put you in this hell. You never wanted this. Than why you are blaming yourself. Today I am promising you I will make your wings free from the chain of GB road.”

Hugging for some time I drop her back saying I would came to her only when I would be able to give freedom from all her pain.

From the next day I started going to NGOs and women councils to get her out of the dungeon even tried to contact the police to help her. And after all my hard work they agreed and a NGO with some police officers raided the place and rescued her. I enrolled her in a well know orphanage so she could be safe for next one year till we get married.

After 3 years we are living a happy life at a place where no one knows about her past life far away from Delhi which showed her all the misery of life. She is going to collage everyday with smiling face and fulfilling all the wishes that I asked her that day. She had complete left her past behind and enjoying every small things happening in our life.

Fan To Fiancee: Journey Of a Reader

ITNI SHIDDAT SE MAINE TUMHE PAANE KI KOSHISH KI HAI KI HAR ZARRE NE MUJHE TUMSE MILANE KI SAAZISH KI HAI.(I have wanted you so much, so truly that the entire universe has conspired for me to get you.)

Today while reading the unedited manuscript of his upcoming novel sleeping on his lap it all feels like a dream. Just a year before I was standing far away from him struggling with the overexcited crowd to get a glance of him. All I wanted was to get my book signed and a selfie. But god was writing his own story and we were his characters.

That was a rainy day in Delhi. Streets were flooded with water cars were stuck on the road and I was looking into the Instagram feed of my favorite author. I cheered loudly when I saw his post saying he would be in Delhi for his book promotion on that day.

I checked the clock and I was late for the event but still rushed to the spot covering his new book purchased few days before in a plastic bag. In excitement I forgot to wore my rainy coat and become wet when I reached the venue. When I was entering inside the guard stopped me saying I can’t went inside with wet cloth. I felt heart broken, that was the first time I got a chance to saw him in real and I was stopped from that. I went back to my scooter and waited for the event to end.

The rain was getting heavy but I didn’t moved an inch till I saw the crowd coming out. After half an hour he came from the building holding an umbrella and I rushed to him. The owner of the shop tried to stop but when he asked to allow me he moved aside. I gave him the book and kept looking at his face. He signed that and asked my name. I told him without blinking my eyes till he entered into his car.

The whole day I kept the book on my chest and looked to the rain outside the window. The smile was not wearing out from my face until my mom realized me that I had a flight to catch to go back to Chennai as my collage was opening from the next day.

Reaching Chennai I went to my hostel and started reading his book. Like everything was pre planned he came to our collage for a Ted talk in the same month and luckily I was hosting the event. When I got the information that he was coming earth moved beneath my feet I started feeling nervous forgot my script I had prepared.

And on the D day he entered to the back stage wearing his kurta and denim where I was seating before a mirror rehearsing my lines. Seeing his reflection on the mirror I jumped from my seat and run towards him making him feel awkward. Our professor introduced me to him but he kept looking at me in a strange manner.

I asked,” What happened sir”?

He said politely, “Your face seems familiar did we mate before”?

Knowing he still remembered my face my cheeks turned pink. Blushingly I replied,” Yes sir we have met on your book promotion event early this month. You signed my book outside the building. Remembered”.

He said,” oh, now I get it you are the girl standing in the rain to get your book signed”.

I nodded my head.

He asked,” But why were you getting wet in the rain you could have come inside”.

The devil me pushed me to say something flirty and when my mouth opened,” You may not remembered me if I would have went inside”. And we both laughed. Then I told him the real reason and talk for few more minutes when someone informed me that that was my time to went on the stage.

He gave a really amazing speech making everyone to be themselves and must take risk one in lifetime to get what their heart really desired. For a moment I felt like hugging him tightly but I thought a celebrity writer like him would never understood my feelings.

For next one week I kept typing his mail id obtained from my professor and pressing back space to save the mail again as draft. The confusion continued till I saw an interview of him on news channel where he told that he would like to marry a simple girl who could make a perfect ending to the incomplete story of his life.

Hearing that I didn’t wasted a single second to press the send button and waited to get the reply. Two days passed but how many time I refreshed my mail not a single mail except that of Facebook was coming. Next morning when all my hopes was dead and I thought of checking my mail for one last time a pop-up was blinking on the screen. When I clicked on that all my lazy body turned into a ball of energy. Finally I had his reply apologizing for the delay. And from that point our conversation over mail had started. Day by day from formal mails we moved to friendly talk.

One day while we were busy talking about the new dress I had purchased he asked for my number. That was the most beautiful moment for me as I got a signal that he also started feeling something for me. But he didn’t called me first. So I decided to call him myself and rehearse what I would say to create an impression.

And when he picked the call I forgot everything and started to stamper. He made me comfortable and talked about his next events and asked about my studies. The best thing he told me was him moving to Chennai for six months to write his next book which was based on a south Indian boy’s life. I was busy happy busy in shopping for my first date and day when he called me for dinner I went wearing a sari with my long straight hair open with matching ear rings. The silver anklet was making sound when I was walking. When I entered inside the restaurant he kept looking me like he had never saw a girl in his life. After dinner was over we walked to the marina beach and sat on the cool salty breech of sea. 

We were talking about our future plans when the wind became rough making the weather colder. And it started raining heavily in a few minutes. We ran towards a vacant stall in distance but for me wearing a sari and hills was not possible. I was about to fall two three times in the attempt to run. So he took me on his arm and walked towards the shade and I kept looking at his face. We were wet till we reach there making my sari transparent flaunting my body. In sky I turned opposite to him but he pulled me closer. We were standing on the beach surrounded by the darkness, the sea was hauling with all its mine. There was not an inch of space between our bodies. My skin was able to feel his warmth, my small hands were holding his muscular body. He lifted my face with his hand and move closer. I knew what going to happen and closed my eyes. Next moment I felt his lips over mine and yes I was kissing to the guy of my dream. The weather was making me more romantic and I was not in a move of leaving his body. The passion I was getting I had never felt before biting his lips scratching his back was giving me pleasure. We moved apart when we become breathless. Looking at each other we smiled exchanging an unsaid love. He gave me his blazer to wear and drop me back to hostel. From that day we started meeting frequently for movies shopping long drives. We were falling in love and enjoying every single moment we were spending together.

It was my birthday and I was giving party to my friends in a restaurant. When he came inside all the girls went crazy and got shocked when he hugged me giving kiss on my cheek. That night he proposed me before everyone seating on his knee bringing tears into my eyes. That night after the part we went to his place to spend some time together.

For the first time I came into his apartment. Filled with books and notes.

I walked around the room looking at the books he had collected. From Shakespeare to Salman Rushdie everything was there.

I asked,” you really read these.”

He said,” Yes, but not now a days. Because god have given me a real character to study”.

I looked confused and he sat me on a chair. Sitting on the ground holding my hand he said,” You are the most beautiful girl I have ever saw.” Making me blush.

He opened a box from the table and put the diamond ring on my finger saying,” Will woke me up every morning with your sweet voice and make your face the sun of my life. Will you marry me”.

I was speechless never imagined to be proposed in such romantic way. That was the best birthday gift ever. Tears came down from my eyes and I hugged him. Not a single word was coming from anyone’s mouth. We were enjoying the love in the silence. And then the current went off turning the emergency lights on. The lights of the leds and small bulbs were creating a romantic aroma inside the room.

He hold me in his arms and took to the bed room while I kept looking to his face. Laying me on the bed he sat by my side waiting for my permission to touch. With a smile I pulled him over me and kissed on his lips. He removed dupatta from my neck and kissed making me lustful for him. Turning ups all the lights he climbed over me and we started enjoying the friction of our bare skin. Next morning when I woke he was sitting my side holding a book in his hand. When he saw me getting up he kissed on my forehead. When I saw myself necked on her bed and remembered the happenings last nights I blushed and buried my face in his arm.

He told me,” hey get ready we are going to meet my parents. I have told them about you and they want to see their daughter in law.so that they could talk to your parents.”

I had never thought that everything will happen so fast like our life was running on a highway without any huddles or turning.

After meeting his parents they felt like my own loving and caring. And when they took his proposal to my home my parents happily agreed. In that of itself we got engaged and after my final exam before he completed his next book we got married.

Today when I turned pages of his book it was our story from the day we met on the rain to our marriage. Hope you will like our love story.